This Is Not An Open Letter: Open Job Application

ATTN: Geoff Molson,


A 9-1-1 record to begin the 2016-17 season is not fully indicative of the play of this team.  If it was, last season would have been a far different story.  The current record regards nothing.


You simply MUST have an opening coming shortly somewhere within your staff, be it as general manager or head coach of the Montreal Canadiens and I want to beat the hoards in the rush in their eventual hurried attempts to clean up the tire fire that your staff are singlehandedly responsible for.  I am here today to present you with a rather informal resume, cover letter or anything in between.  I would say that this is a joke but quite frankly…




That, Mr. Molson, is the purpose for my application.  In a world where we are in the tail end of an election south of the border between a notorious world criminal and an unproven wild card, why not try me on your staff?


My credentials are as follows:


NHL accredited columnist since May 15th, 2013, reception of said credentials in July of 2014, with duties consisting of but not limited to: column publishing, editing, game commentary (both play-by-play and color commentary), pro scouting specialist in trade analysis and assessment as well as free agent signings, social media administrative duties and relief administrative duties of the entire All About The Habs organization.


I made a few suggestions herein: – This was two years ago.  The very night this was published, my exact power play formation was used and found success on its first usage. (Markov power play goal vs. Colorado)


Test results showing national top percentile results re: spelling, punctuation, grammar, sentence structure, reading and comprehension, foundational arithmetic, pattern recognition and more.


My education… simply enough to know that giving the puck away on purpose a la dump and chase is completely ineffective and is, in fact, percentage predictive to effective pattern based losing this side of the dead puck era; therein implying that a possession based system is, in layman’s terms, good.


My platform, with ideal placement as General Manager, would be to fire Michel Therrien and the rest of the coaching staff except for Kirk Muller and Stephane Waite.  Promote Kirk Muller to head coach, hire Benoit Groulx as affiliate head coach and continue to search for candidates otherwise via means of interview.


Also hired on staff in a coaching capacity would be Annakin Slayd under the premise that given the inspiration as felt from his music –namely that which is Canadiens based– would behoove the upholding of promises inferred by buzzwords such as “character” and uplift the spirit of all of those “good for the room” guys.  Job description: all provided counsel and intelligence to the team as well as any interview or conference given to the press be done in the form of rap, be it freestyle or otherwise.  Perhaps John Lu or Brian Wilde will give him a beat.


My platform extends to the stripping of Max Pacioretty’s captaincy (to be given to Shea Weber), the imminent trading of David Desharnais and Alexei Emelin for something hopefully more than the used puck bag –sans pucks– that their combined worth may indicate and that Tomas Plekanec would find some very sudden motivation to score more than a single digit’s worth of goals in the span of the last 82 games.  I do not care what his “role” is – if he is being paid $6,000,000 average annual value out of your pocket to be a top six forward, he will damn well be more productive or regretfully find himself on his way out of Montreal as he is wished all the best in his future endeavors.


Under the circumstances of hiring, I do solemnly swear that I will NEVER allow this team to lose a game by the score of 10-0 and certainly not to a regular lottery team such as the Columbus Blue Jackets.  In the event of failure, I will resign immediately so as to save yourself from the formality of rightfully terminating myself as the responsible party from such a position and endure the fit and just punishment of being strung upside down, stark naked by my ankles atop the Bell Centre whilst holding a sign reading: The Ghosts are watching and they are embarrassed.  This would at least be more productive than the answer of “the coaching staff saw it coming” …and yet failing to do anything about it whatsoever.  I, like any other in a position of which I can do so, would do something to answer whatever the hell it is that I supposedly “see coming” other than rolling over in the ditch and letting a historic shellacking occur.


Does this sound the least bit promising? Does it sound like a joke? Does it sound utterly insane? Note two things in the answer therein: 1. This is INCREDIBLY tame for my standards and 2. it cannot possibly be worse than the current administration and their systematic destruction of the most storied franchise in National Hockey League history.


In summary: effective stylistic adjustment that bears relevance to compelling and effective hockey predictive to winning, holding any and all players accountable, public humiliation in the event of failure to do so.


If this sounds even slightly more promising than witnessing the real life portrayal of Dumb & Dumber, contact me for hire.  You know where to find me, Geoff… unless you are too blind to see what has been going on.


For All About The Habs,


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